Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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