You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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