My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
