There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
