I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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