you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize