Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
