All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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