dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
