I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
