why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I would ride that face into the sunset
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
