i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
