Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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