I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Randomize
