Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
