omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
The adults are the big ones right?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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