i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
