tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You brought string cheese to the strip club
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
