she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
