OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
