Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize