My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
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