Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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