Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize