When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
