I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It was confusing and full of hummus
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
