she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
