I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
