The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
