Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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