So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
