Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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