im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
