I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
