I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
