The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
