I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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