I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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