His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize