They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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