I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
