Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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