He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
