I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
