Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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