just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
