i just wanna soil my oats bro
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
