I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
