before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Randomize
