I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
