the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
