that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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