Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
