My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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