Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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