I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Randomize
