Plan B is the new Plan A
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
